Humor Blog Wants Human Intern

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  • 34 replies, read after the jump.

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If your as lame as you sound, I would love to blog with you.

Here’s a sample. Okay really,  I took lunch seriously yo, and the salad bear has never been the same.  So, if ya wanna get down hit me up.

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I am looking for a resume filler. I am not a principal but also not a recruiter, so we should be good there. Not sure if I am more clever or funny, but when I speak or write people tend to respond with laughter, confusion or anger. I have an innate ability to embarrass and sympathize with the same person or thing over the same subject in the same written or spoken sentence. I would love to be a part of what you are doing as I can guarantee that with me on your team we will never be as successful as Facebook or twitter. It appears that I need you and you need me because I just received my masters in parallel parking and am finding it difficult to find work that doesn’t pay. Hook a brotha up with a Hollaback.

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hey i am curious about your blog.  what is the address?  I am fairly humorous guy who does lots of work with video etc.  my favorites comedy is the office (bbc), christopher guest, the simpsons, americas funniest home videos, kingpin, theres something about mary, super troopers, lebowski, will ferrell, etc.

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Can you send a link to the blog?

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Hello!!

My name is XXXX and I am a student at XXXX. I hope to one day write for SNL, I hugely value cleverness, and I am also Human. Please let me know if you are interested in my interest. Thanks!

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Pizza??? Uhhh….. yes please. I like pizza, and humor…and blogs. I would be the oldest intern around, I think. Ok, well I am clever and funny, no really. I’m not sending a resume and currently not in prison, other people aren’t paying me now so you would be joining those ranks officially instead of …..well you weren’t paying me anyway so why change it now? Also Bad News Bears 70’s version or bad news bear Billy Bob Thorton re-make? I haven’t seen the re-make but if you mean the 70’s version I’m down except I don’t want to be that creepy pitcher kid. Ok thanks. Looking forward to the pizza.

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Hello,

I am interested by the job title (Humor Blog Wants Human Intern) posted on craigslist. I have pretty much experienced in the mentioned job and i think this job suits me best. Looking forward to hear from you.

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Potential Human Intern

I am a human being who might possibly be more clever than funny. I do enjoy pizza and/or parties, but I do not need a party to enjoy a pizza. I would say that I am proficient at parallel parking a car, yet I am an expert at parallel parking a bicycle.

Here’s a link to my terrible blog, so you can see how awful I am

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I wasn’t going to respond but…

I’m way to lazy for resumes and I’m actually a fantastic parallel parker!  You also had me at pizza party.

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To whom it may concern,

My name is XXXX and I am currently a junior at XXXX. In my near hopeless search for meaningful summer employment opportunities or internships, I was looking on Craigslist today and saw your ad. It immediately caught my interest not only for its humor, but because the internship it described is something I would simply love to do over the summer in XXXX. Being a Political Science major also minoring in English, I always had it in my mind that I would graduate from college, attend a prestigious law school, and then naturally make six figures and bathe in aged scotch by the time I was twenty-seven (while also living in the New York City, by the way). Recently, however, I have realized that that life is not one for me, and I would much rather make snide comments for a living as a writer. I would love more information about your blog, how I could fulfill your need for a summer (human) intern, and am willing to provide any other information you may need from me (writing sample, resume, proof I’m not a robot, etc.) Please do let me know.

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What exactly is needed? Also, what is the link to the blog?

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Will be marginally funny for pizza

So, people seem to think I’m kind of funny.  I’m by no means a comedian, but I seem to have a knack for saying just the right thing at just the right time to make people laugh.  I like writing, but I don’t do much of it.  I’m somewhat lacking in self-motivation.  I have these grand ideas of learning new things (How to sew! How to use power tools! How to build furniture! How to make $1,000 a week working from home!) and/or improving skills I already have (Painting!  Knitting!  Writing!  Making cookie cakes!), but I always wind up getting distracted by Netflix, Pundit Kitchen, and Hyperbole and a Half.

I may lack self-motivation, but I hate disappointing other people.  If someone is counting on me for something, I make sure it gets done.  This is why I think I would be a decent candidate for this internship.  If I have a task, a deadline, and someone expecting me to write something awesome, I’ll at least try to do it instead of just hanging out watching old episodes of Dr. Who or Ally McBeal.

So, about me:  I’m a 25-almost-26-year-old female living in XXXX (I’m hoping that since this is a blog position, you’d be okay with telecommuting). In the past 12 months I have been a baker, a campaign manager for a district judge candidate, owned my own party planning/catering business, worked as a customer service representative for the local newspaper, and started a new career as a cook in the closest thing XXXX has to a fine dining restaurant.  I like being a cook, but it’s hard work, and I don’t know if I want to be chopping onions, carrying 25-pound cases of potatoes and burning the shit out of myself for the next 30 years.  I really admire chefs like Sean Brock, Eric Ripert and Thomas Keller.  However, my culinary hero is Anthony Bourdain – because he was clever enough to get out of the kitchen and get paid to roam the world eating and making witty observations about the locals.

Although I may not be able to be there in person, I would love the opportunity to write for you and help out with the blog in whatever way I can.

Peace,

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Hello,

I love your approach to this whole idea. I would really like more information on this. I am currently in school for graphic design and have a blog of my own for a class that’s for a different reason, but hey, it’s still a blog. I’m looking for something to add something fresh to my life. I was in the middle of writing a book in the style and tradition of Hunter S. Thompson. I understand that this is not a paid internship/job, but I would just like to do it to have fun. And rest assured, I am human, at least I’ve been told anyway. My fiancé states that the verdict is still out on that one.

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Can you tell me more about the position? My interest is piqued. I’m XXXX, a twenty-three old college grad paying off debts with a job I don’t like. I’m in XXXX till at least next fall and if I don’t do something interesting I’ll snap at work one day and you don’t want that blood on your hands. You’ll read about it in the paper and hope it was somone else but you’ll know it was me because after the police gun me down they’ll only find a single index card in my pockets with a code word that only you’ll know. You won’t be able to live with guilt and your humor blog will devolve into a depressing mess, replete with black and white seascapes and Depeche Mode songs for every other post. Friends and family will wonder what changed you and after some pressure, including an awful sit-down with your parents during which your mother cries and your dad is silent (a bad sign), you’ll confess I had contacted you just prior to my murder spree and you wish you would have done something. The details will be murky but you’ll be implicated in my crimes and though the charges won’t stick you’ll be a small aside on my posthumous wikipedia page. That will considerably irk you and suddenly the humor blog, which you loved so, will seem pointless because the world is terrible place. The codeword is: clownshoe.

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I’m freaking hilarious, and I can sometimes even put full sentences together. It’s too bad I don’t have time to work for free.

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My name is XXXX and I do not yet have a summer internship.  You know, the one whose absense might set me back years?  What I do have is an impossible Hungarian keyboard at my fingertips, which is making this email difficult to type properly.

Your post suggested I try Facebook or Twitter.  It’s too late for that, so here I am, emailing you instead.  Though I’ve been called both edgy and offensive, I think I could be the girl for you-  I’m an excellent parallel parker (though admittedly my Jeep Wrangler is more golf-cart than car).  Also, I’m allergic to both gluten and dairy, and therefore unable to partake in end-of-summer pizza parties.  Are the rest of your applicants offering free labor?

I started my own blog when I moved to Madrid, Spain to study for a semester.  What started as a way to keep my grandparents convinced I was still alive without cross-pond phone bills quickly became a place to pass judgment on all things that strike me as noteworthy.  It seems the more I update, the more things strike me as noteworthy.  I like the way that blogging encourages me to find humor and cultivate interest in the mundane.  Though I’ve been unable to update due to Spring Break travels (Hungarian keyboard, remember?), you can find my most recent posts at XXXX.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

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Howdee doo

After perusing through the Craigslist “missed connections” I decided I should probably grow up and try to find a job so I don’t end up like the guy in the olive Prius with the mustache who tries to pick up chicks at traffic lights. Luckily I stumbled upon your ad and discovered that growing up I shall not! Here’s the deal: I’m a 21 year old college bro who is majoring in Marketing and need nothing more than pizza and wit to stimulate me. That being said, I would love nothing more than a summer internship working with your company. I am currently studying in Barcelona for the semester but I will be home in a couple weeks *tear* and will be ready to rock. In the meantime, I can call through Skype but I must warn you I am not nearly as funny in person. Or on the phone. Maybe I’m not even funny at all. Either way, I would be honored to hear from ya and to see if you are still looking for an intern for this summer.

There’s a fine line between being funny and trying too hard…how am I doin?

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Although my resume doesn’t show my humor or comedy skills friend me on Facebook and see my statuses and comment…..all original whittty and on the spot humor

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A pizza party at the end of the summer? Uh, I’m all in!!  A group that lacks discipline and wants to stick it to the “popular” peeps sounds like a ride I need to be on.  Parallel parking? Give me a tank and let me show you my parking skills – front in parking is for weenies.  Give me more details!!!  Oh, and I did not attached the discouraged resume.

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Dear Sir or Madamme,

I regret to inform you that I do in fact fit all the qualifications necessary to assist with your blog . I would be excited to extend a helping hand with this venture.

Please let me know more.

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I am a human that would appreciate bypassing low-hanging fruit for incremental gain by way of writing. Graduated Fall of ’09 with a BA in English if it matters. What’s your blog? What do you want out of an intern?

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Hello, my name is XXXX. I am applying for this intern position in order to hitch my wagon to the meteoric rise of your illustrious blog, and possibly circumvent the donkey-like speed of normal wagon travel. I am not a professional writer as of yet, but I have been writing creatively as a hobby for many years. I am now ready to set the world on fire with my literary napalm.  I can guarantee that my fastidiously carved writings will cause the masses to shout the name of your blog from the rooftops with the delirious glee of a cultist fresh from their morning orgy.  My brain and its savory juices are at your beck and call, to milk freely as you see fit.

Thanks for your time.

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Dear Humorists:

So you want funny? Sarcastic? Clever? Witty? I got that. Don’t have many examples, sadly, because if I were to keep them on my laptop, mobs of jealous people would beat down my door and overwhelm me, but I’ll provide the little I have for you to make a judicious assessment.

You’re not going to pay, you say? Great! At least I’ll not be making money doing something I love, right? And can you promise to have bacon cheeseburger pizza at the party? If you don’t have bacon cheeseburger pizza, deal’s off, I’m afraid.

My example is an ad I’ve posted on Craigslist. Read it and be amused.

Yours cleverly,

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Hey, I may not be what you were expecting, but it just might work. I am an out-of-work (at least some of the time) 40-something looking for more ways to express my sense of humor. Currently, I act with an improv comedy troupe, write goofy songs that are begging to performed for YouTube, draw an occasional comic, and make witty comments in front of my kids. I used to have a job cracking jokes in corporate meetings, but sadly was found expendable during the recession.

When I am working, it is as a freelance writer and editor, often about serious and boring stuff and I get bored working from home. I would love another group of creative and funny people to hang out with.

Let me know what you think.

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The name’s XXXX.  I enjoy creative and edgy writing.  I suck at parallel parking, except when the parking lot is empty.  Let me know if I am the sort of human you might be interested in.  Thanks!

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Hello, my name is XXXX. I am highly interested in the internship position. Is it still available? Please let me know if you would like to see any writing samples. I know resumes aren’t your style, but I find sometimes that stacks of paper usually make people happy.

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Hello! My name is XXXX. Please contact me! XXX XXXX

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Dear unidentified potential employer/spammer:

I know that this is likely to be an immediate disqualifier but I’m a vegetarian and was wondering if you would be willing to throw a couple slices of vegetarian pizza into the mix. I’ve also made sure to add plenty of grammatical errors in this application (If you can call it that) to show you exactly what your editors will be having to deal with.

I believe that I’m the perfect candidate for this position. Not only am I obviously demanding (already expecting you to make concessions for my vegetarianism) but I will also provide your young and hopeful intern editors the opportunity to prove their abilities for future positions in real careers. I will also provide a living example of what may happen to any would be writers out their of what they can become if they take a lackadaisical attitude toward their education and have a general lack of proper writing training.

Well that’s all I really have, you said no resume and since I’m clearly fairly dense and have no real understanding of sarcasm I won’t be including one. I’ll be sitting here in front of my computer wearing my droopy dog footy pajamas while incessantly checking my e-mail for some reply in-between scanning Facebook in a vain attempt to find that ex-girlfriend that dumped me ages ago and reading Rebecca Romijn Stamos’s twitter feed (I refuse to give up hope on John Stamos and her getting back together. I mean come on, the fat kid from stand by me, that can’t be real can it?).

So if nothing else, aside from giving me the opportunity to annoy potential employers who probably have real applicant submissions to wade through, I’m hoping that this little application (yes, I’m still calling it an application) has maybe put a smile on your face. If not, well…hold on… the twentieth episode of “House” in the past two days of continuous marathons is starting and I must use all of my sleuthing abilities to detect the real patient with whatever rare and unidentifiable disease is next to be wrongly diagnosed with lupus (Oh foreman when will you ever learn). Well that’s great, not only have I sent a rambling e-mail to some random employer, now I’ve also gone completely off subject and shown that I sit around all day and watch “House” repeats. Well hope you enjoyed my rambling e-mail, now you may resume your search for actual potential employees.

Sincerely,

XXXX

P.S.

I’m actually a currently enrolled college student seeking a career in writing. This was my attempt at a witty cover letter to show my grasp of humor. Also if you are a spammer searching for vital information to steal my identity, just realize I’m a poor college student and you’ve made a terrible error, glad to waste your time. Enjoy!

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Oh my your ad on craigslist really caught my attention where do i sign up? I am great at parallel parking ha.  What do I do to apply?

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Howdy

I am interested in this position. What do I need to do?

BTW, I am hilarious, so…

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Hi there,

I was interested in the Craigslist posting – I was wondering if you could talk a little more about the internship. What does the time commitment look like? What are the expectations? Will it hurt?

Thanks,

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My name is XXXX.  I am a retired construction worker with a Jones for writing.  I try to write weekly and it can vary from a small rant to a short story of 2000 words.  I am looking for a project for the summer and trying to get exposure without an indictment.  If you are the least interested, I can send some examples.  Thank you for your time.  I would like to see more abouot your project.

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In your ad you mention a pizza party — what type of pizza are we talking here? Is soda included, or is it BYOB?

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Human Intern Seeks Pizza

Dear funny human-seeking, low-hanging-fruit-trumping, parallel-parking-ophile, pizza-compensating, resume-rejecting Bears of Bad News,

My name is XXXX and you had me at “lack discipline”.  Well that and the idea of marginal professionalism, which is the best I can offer you on a good day.  I am, in fact, a knock off of a designer human being (made by Forever 21) who coincidentally has been looking for enjoyable writing work that could even incorporate some humor.  It’s just that ever since the internet exploded, I have been paralyzed with terror and ontological conflict about the prospect of someone actually reading what I write, or the Soviets tracking me.  Some tv sources of humor that I enjoy include South Park, Modern Family and 30 Rock.  I watch SNL almost religiously.  I have experience working with bears, both male and female, as well as hedgehogs, both classic and day-glo.  I would probably say that I’m a little more clever in writing than I am in person, and not clever at all when unconscious, not that I allow that to stop me.

In all seriousness, I have been looking to write more.  I’ve always enjoyed writing.  In fact, I recently wrote a craigslist posting trying to sell something and someone actually wrote back to say that they thought I should write and they thought it was funny.  Truthfully, I was surprised because (while I meant it to be humorous) I didn’t think it was very funny and worth writing me about, but I enjoyed the idea of making someone laugh.  I will copy and paste that ad for you below this email.

Your ad cracked me up and I’d love to find out more about the work and your site.  Not to mention that since you dangled the proverbial carrot of pizza before me, you asked for it and now I’m not going to stop until you feed me (or say “hey, stop it!”).  I can’t promise endless giggles, but I can assure you what goes up must come down if two bodies in motion can bi-locate.  Hope to hear from you!

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